The point of no return

My character and emotions are absolutely amazing to me. Absolutely incomprehensible as well - even more, really. How can the span of two days completely change my attitude, completely fill a gaping hole in my psyche? I am not sure, but it definitely happened to me.

Two weekends ago was a turning point for me. Somehow, I managed to (I can't decide which) bottom- or top-out (I suppose it depends on which angle I look at it from). Jon and I had been an slightly rocky footing after last fall - details are for the privileged few, I'm afraid. But suffice it to say, that although our love was strong, and we were sure we would pull through, I still couldn't let go.

Even now, I'm not sure why I couldn't.

But, none-the-less, I could not let go. For some reason, this reached a head two weekends ago. There was much crying on my part, much frustration on the part of Jon's, until he got so angry that he simply had to leave. (Keep in mind, as well, that both of the evenings I had been drinking to an excess, which certainly did not help me make any sort of good decision about the whole thing.)

On Sunday, I had to go to his house because I believed him to have my cellphone in his car, alas, he did not (apparently it was on my table), but I am so glad I thought he did. We talked sparingly, and had that uneasy need for distance between us. For a while, we simply sat in silence. It was certainly a healing silence. If we had talked over the phone, things would have turned out much worse, I think, due to my propensity for saying the wrong thing (especially over the phone) without intending to.

We then went on some errands, and the normalcy of it all, I think, helped bring us back together. Jon, towards the end, reached for my hand, and I knew he had forgiven me for my idiocy. It's always so refreshing to touch someone who you've been unable to be close to, either due to anger or distance.

It wasn't until time progressed that I realized that I was truly healed in my heart and mind. I had no thoughts of distrust, no feelings of discontent, and I didn't even feel a connection to "Mr. Bright Side" any more - that's when it really hit me. I felt no need to blast the song and sing at the top of my lungs any more. There was a feeling of indifference, of absolute calm.

So exhilarating, so free. I love!